Today, we will be auctioning off various aspects of my government career as I flee into retirement.  Tomorrow, you will be blaming me for anything that goes wrong in the office.  A year from now, you won’t even remember my name.

Item #1: Early Mornings

Dear god, is it time to get up already?  Didn’t I just do this yesterday?  Why do people talk to me before I’ve had my coffee?  Go away.

Item Cost: Bottomless Coffee

Item #2: Mind-numbingly Boring Meetings

So many meetings with no end in sight, yet they don’t seem to accomplish anything.  Why is no one paying attention to the assignments being handed out?  I do NOT want to repeat myself.  This isn’t fun for me either.  What do you mean you don’t know how to take notes?

Item Cost: Your Patience

Item #3: Government Health Insurance

Private health insurance costs how much?  You’ve GOT to be kidding me.  How badly do I need my anti-depressant medications and annual cardiac function tests?

Item Cost: Elon Musk’s Fortune

Item #4: Business Clothes

Nothing says that you work in an office like clothes that require ironing or dry-cleaning.  And let’s not forget the shoes that pinch your toes or rub your heels raw by the end of a twelve-hour day.  Don’t spill anything on your business shirt when eating lunch at your desk just before an important meeting.

Item Cost: Does green or red chile match this pattern on my shirt?

Item #5: Official Work Hours

The tasks and projects are never-ending.  Before you finish one project, a dozen more have landed on your desk.  Did you want to take an actual lunch, go home at a reasonable hour, or not work the weekend?  Bless your heart.  Oh, and you’re now a manager, so you don’t get overtime pay.

Item Cost: DoorDash is your new best friend.

Item #6: Supervision

Every last one of your employees will at some time or another have health issues, disastrous personal lives, or extreme anxiety.  But usually it’ll be all at once.  And if your employees fuck up, it will be your fault.  But if your employees are in the right, take a fucking bullet for them.  Now leave me alone, people, so I can get some fucking work done.

Item Cost: Your Sanity

Item #7: Human Resources Issues

You will never be able to fill all your vacancies.  You can’t pay enough to keep your good employees.  Other departments will brazenly poach those employees, especially if you dare to take a vacation.  You will always be mediating employee disputes.  Oh, and at least one employee will file a complaint against you because you made him do his fucking job.

Item Cost: Can I get a little respect around here?

Item #8: Angry Customers

They will complain about everything.  They will not follow any rules.  They will blame you when they don’t get their way.  You can never make anyone happy, ever.

Item Cost: Body Armor

Item #9: Funding Challenges

This is government; there’s never enough funding for all your projects.  And someone hidden within the cogs will cut funding for a vital project or staffing.  Also, once you jump through the numerous hoops of the contracting process, you will only get the best of the low three bids.  Not the best.  But the best of the low three.

Item Cost: I found 73 cents under the couch cushions.  Will that cover the cost of the contractor?

Item #10: Politicians

They write the laws that you have to follow with zero empathy for how much work you already have, and no extra funding for the additional tasks.  And then they will throw you under the bus the first chance they get because they can’t tell the goddamn truth to their own constituents.

Item Cost: How much does the largest bottle of tequila cost?

Item #11: Stress (AKA, Your Boss)

Constant nagging, an email inbox that’s ready to implode, unrealistic expectations, impossible deadlines, the moving target of shifting requirements, and a boss who is more than willing to take their frustration out on you.  Guess what, shit rolls downhill.  Also, just because the boss can think up a great project doesn’t mean the boss knows what it takes to implement that project.  It’s always what you can do for the boss in the future rather than any appreciation shown for your numerous past accomplishments.

Item Cost: How high is too high for blood pressure?

Thank you for participating in today’s auction.  To pay, please see the gentleman in the back holding a sickle and wearing a black robe.  Payment will be taken in years of your life.  Tears are optional.

Now, where’d that bottle of tequila go?  I’ve got a plane to catch.